On Wednesday, Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin named 10 prominent Louisvillians as his new appointees to the University of Louisville Board of Trustees. Multiple names on Bevin's list were met with harsh criticism from U of L fans and standard citizens of the Derby City alike, creating yet another day of controversy and in-fighting within the Cardinal community.
That being the case, we here at Card Chronicle (me) figured it was only right to serve up an alternate group of 10 people who could potentially serve as the new Board going forward.
Before we reveal who those individuals are, I'd like it to be known that out motto is going to be "Shake Things Up And Get Ish Done." I'm going with "ish" instead of "shit" so that we can put the motto on poster board and buttons and shit. Feels like the professional move.
Here's your new U of L Board of Trustees.
1. Earl Clark
I think I've made my stance on this extremely clear over the years: I don't care what it is or what it's for, if you're asking me to nominate a person for anything, that person is going to be Earl Clark.
"Board of Trustees? Oh man, I don't think I ever been there before."
Effective. Hilarious. Effectively Hilarious. E5.
2. Tom Jurich
I don't even know if this is allowed or not, but everyone involved in this seems to have a pretty tenuous grasp on what the rules actually are, so I say we go for it.
No-brainer, really.
3. Howard Schnellenberger
You know what the No. 1 deterrent in the world for any sort of scheming or in-fighting is? Howard Schnellenberger after three scotches.
Other pros include being a committed advocate of expedient sessions, a proven track record of beating Alabama by more than three touchdowns, and an unprovable track record of making enemies disappear.
4. Bompy
Once they're in power, a good leader isn't afraid to throw a bone to someone with whom they've had an issue in the past. If they were a worthy adversary in the past, there's a chance they can serve as a worthy ally in the future by helping keep you in check.
It's sort of like when Jon Snow makes Ser Alliser Thorne the new master-at-arms of the Knight's Watch. That's definitely not a move that came back to bite him in the ass.
5. Anastasia Saunders
When things get gritty, someone is going to need to be able to communicate the Board's message clearly and effectively. Don't care that she doesn't live in Louisville (at least I assume she doesn't) or that she doesn't have any affiliation with the university whatsoever; she was a sideline reporter for a completely forgettable U of L football game in 2012, and that's more than enough justification in my eyes.
Also, for new readers of the site who have zero idea what's going on here, do yourself a favor and make a quick trip to the archives. It'll be worth your time.
6. Sedat Akcakoca (the handstand guy from Freedom Hall)
Sedat is one of the nicest people I've ever met, but amiability alone isn't enough to get you on this board, folks. When things get a little tough, we're going to need a showman.
Problem with our budget? Hit 'em with a handstand, Sedat. Don't think we're going about our business in a professional manner? Hit 'em with a handstand, Sedat. Catching on that we're slowly plotting to make E5 the next President of the university? Holy shit, look over there at that guy doing a handstand.
Sedat's in.
7. American Pharoah
Not gonna listen to Tom Jurich or Howard Schnellenberger? Ok, how about the first horse in ALMOST FOUR F---ING DECADES TO WIN THE TRIPLE CROWN?
Don't stand behind him in session.
8. Russ Smith
In 2014, scientists proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that any entity which includes both Earl Clark and Russ Smith has a 100 percent chance of achieving its goals, making this yet another easy appointment.
Mark Ennis beat me to it on Twitter yesterday, but this also opens the door wide-freaking-open for all sorts of "Board of RUSStees" marketing opportunities. Branding is going to be a monster deal when it comes to my Board.
9. Andy from Andy's TV
Papa John? It's pretty easy to flourish when you're putting your names on stadiums and making out with Peyton Manning after Super Bowls.
Meanwhile, Andy's been out here making the business with the plainest name and building possible thrive in the heart of St. Matthews for like nine thousand years. The man is the heart of this community, and his voice demands to be heard when it comes to all things U of L.
10. The dude who chose to get this tattoo of Kyle Kuric's dunk on his left arm
The new kid on the block, as I just stumbled upon this picture last night. Sure, we don't actually know who this person is, but let's not get bogged down by the same insignificant details that plague lesser Boards. We need someone who's going to be willing to go above and beyond to make sure whatever needs to be done gets done, and this guy is a pretty clear solution to that issue.
Side note: How do you feel if you're Notre Dame's Scott Martin and you see this picture? Guy made a split-second decision five years ago to try and take a charge in a game his team ultimately won, and that split-second decision gets him immortalized on another human being's body for the rest of that person's life.
Anyways, that's your new Board. Long may they reign.