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PJCS To Have 100% More Thunder Sticks On Saturday

When you've had a couple of drinks and are about to watch your favorite college football program play perhaps its most important home game in six years, there's only one thing you really want to do: throw babies really high into the air.

Unfortunately, throwing babies really high into the air has been deemed socially unacceptable and morally reprehensible. This means you'll have to settle for the No. 2 thing you really want to do in this situation: rapidly beat together a pair of inflatable sticks that make a surprisingly loud noise.

The word from the top (or somewhere appropriately above the middle) is that every lower level seat will be equipped with a set of thunder sticks on Saturday in order to set the proper tone for the ABC-televised game.

Quick word of advice here: if you notice that the ABC camera is on you, do not use one of your thunder sticks as a penis prop. I know that's going to be your first instinct (Lord knows it'd be mine), but chances are your parents or someone else whose opinion you care about will see this and be disappointed. It's a conversation that will be brought up at some point during the holidays, and you don't want to find yourself in that situation.

You don't want these Cards. You don't want these thunder sticks.