You are a college football fan. You have cable television. You don't have tickets to the Murray State game. You think you are ready for Thursday's open thread.
You earmarked your Phil Steele/Athlon/Lindy's college football prediction magazines. You trolled Every Day Should Be Saturday while blocking out your significant other's favorite show on E!. You wasted 60 minutes of your life listening to ESPNU's awful Big East football preview. You even follow local newspaper columnists like Rick Bozich on Twitter for real-time links to mind-blowing insight like how Louisville's defensive line will play a key role this season (LOOK INTO YOUR CRYSTAL BALL AND TELL ME MORE SECRETS, YE OLDE PIGSKIN PROPHET).
You're still not ready. Not for the dementia-inspired programming on ESPNU, where you'll be subjected to the exact same infomercials every fifteen minutes over the span of seven hours (don't lie, you're going to watch UK - WKU).
To properly prepare for Thursday night, let's review your five most memorable ESPNU infomercials:
5. Pajama Jeans
/ordinary jeans face
Remember when these bad boys first came out? We were all like "This is next level Snuggie s***, you guys", "Fashion AND comfort?!", and "How many easy payments is this gonna cost me?" Classic ESPNU open thread moment.
Sure, Perfect Patty gets the job done but this product will constantly badger your family with jealous remarks about its cousin, Perfect Brownie Pan who "totally sold out". Current Facebook status: "Livin' the dream, man".
3. Pro Caulk
With Pro Caulk, you can do it like a professional. Apply silicone as usual. Comes with a curved, smooth tip. We promise it'll give you a perfect, clean finish in minutes. Ah-mazing.
2. Anonymous Online University
Brunette girl-next-door type coed wearing skin-tight pink shirt & polka dot boxer shorts (these details are totally not recalled from memory, you guys) who tries to convince us to sign up for some type of online university program that nobody cares about because OMG, WHY IS PAJAMA GIRL SO ATTRACTIVE? Hint: Nobody knows why pajama girl is hot but this fact is indisputable. Ask rickmbari.
Failproof business idea: Cross-promotion with PajamaJean company.
The rippin' and the tearin'. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the gold standard for sports programming infomercials.
[Nasally voice] Hey, Big East or Non-BCS AQ Conference sports fan, do you like pans?: Who doesn't!
How about durable, non-stick surfaces: Oh you already know, son
Do you eat brownies?: You have my attention
Do you crave perfection?: HELL YES /BUYBUYBUYBUY
Consider yourself proper prepped for 4+ hours of ESPNU programming. And just to be safe, convince a friend to hide your credit cards Thursday night. Do these jeans make me look lazy?