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Card Chronicle in Summer: A Requiem

The kids have all headed back to school, the weather has become semi-bearable, and the Louisville football team is less than ten days away from kicking off its latest football campaign. What this means, among other things, is that summer has come and gone and we are on the brink of entering that glorious seven-month period where Cardinal sports dominate a far greater chunk of our lives than they should.

While the "dead period" can be both frustrating and boring, year in, year out it's also the setting for a handful of the most memorable items on Card Chronicle.

With that in mind, lets take a look at the five most memorable storylines from the summer that was on CC.

5. Louisville basketball in August

I suppose it's only natural that we start with the most unnatural of dead period occurrences: Cardinal basketball.

WHAS was there with the coverage, CC had a man on the scene, and a pair of August open threads for two exhibition blowouts amassed just under 2,000 comments, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that we're all f'ing insane.



Assistant coach Tim Fuller's announcement that he was bolting to Missouri after just one season under Rick Pitino was significant for Louisville basketball because it resulted in the decommitments of Rodney Purvis, Negus Webster-Chan and Tony Woods. It was more significant to Card Chronicle because it spawned the all-encompassing angry cry of "FFFFFUUULLLLLEERRRR," the resulting photoshops, and this post, which was easily the most controversial of the summer...and which we will now repost for your enjoyment.


Woods, Tony (ˈtō-nē ˈwüds) n. 1. Wake Forest transfer headed to Louisville. Brutally fractured girlfriend's spine and should be in jail. More evidence of the lowly state of the Cardinal basketball program. 2a. Wake Forest transfer headed to Kentucky. Hasn't produced much in college yet. Might not be worthy of a scholarship, especially considering the negative attention his signing would bring. 2b. Wake Forest transfer headed to Kentucky with incredible potential. Largely misunderstood by the public. Girlfriend has forgiven him, God has forgiven him.

Calipari, John (ˈjän kä-lə-ˈpär-ē) n. 1a. Head basketball coach at the University of Memphis. Presided over two vacated final fours. Runs one of the dirtiest programs in America. No one close to the the game believes his program is clean. 1b. Head basketball coach at the University of Kentucky. The creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the Supreme Being.

Knee (nē) n. often attributive. Weapon utilized in a strictly malicious manner during the sport of basketball. Sole proper recourse in present case situations is a swift and firm forearm to the face.

Puerto Rico National Team (por-tə-ˈrē-ˈnash-nəl tēm) n. Embarrassingly disorganized and lowly basketball team which represents the self-governing commonwealth of Puerto Rico. An American coach choosing to head this team would be an enormous black-eye for that coach's program, and his decision to do so should be consistently and mercilessly ridiculed. 

Dominican Republic National Team (də-ˈmi-ni-kən ri-ˈpə-blik nash-nəl tēm) n. The prestigious national basketball team of the Dominican Republic, a small country in the West Indies. Serving as the head coach of this proud organization presents a wealth of potential benefits in terms of recruiting, pride, and international notoriety.

Racism (ˈrā-ˌsi-zəm) n. 1a. A belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. 1b. The otherwise deplorable belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race which is acceptable during time periods or situations where everyone around you believes similarly. 1c. It's actually still totally OK. Just be discreet.

Football (fʊt'bôl) n. A sport.

Shizz, The (shē-z) n. Urban dance created by some gang member in the heart of the decrepit and Godless ghetto of Louisville, Ky.

John Wall Dance, The (ˈjän ˈwol dan(t)s) n. Dance created by basketball player John Wall, best known for his time at the University of Kentucky, which swept the nation for the better parts of 2009, 2010, and 2011. Widely regarded as the coolest and most innovative combination of movements in modern history. I mean all history. Can we delete the modern history one? My backspace ain't working.

Cousins (kə-zənz\) n. 1. Children of one's uncle or aunt. 2. People associated with or related to another. 3. Used as a title by a sovereign in addressing a nobleman. 4. People you can totally kiss without other people making you feel bad about it. 5. People of a race or people ethnically or culturally related <our English cousins>. 6. Last name of DeMarcus, who starred at the University of Kentucky and was widely misunderstood by the world outside of the state of Kentucky. His seemingly disrespectful acts were merely the product of being a good-hearted big kid who loves the spotlight. This fact is proven by his tendency to wear silly hats and even sillier glasses. Normal people don't wear those kinds of glasses and hats, big guy!

Jorts (/jrts) n. 1. Beloved nickname of former Kentucky basketball player Josh Harrellson. 2. LOL, y'all.

Obama, Barack HUSSEIN (ˈblak ō-ˈbä-mə) n. Did y'all hear he called Adolph Rupp "Adolph Ruff." That just don't sit right with me. Grew up in Louisville.

Boobs (bübs) n. LOL, y'all. What if this stayed in there!? I'm keepin this in there.

3. Bender wears the crown

Facing the largest and perhaps most competitive field in Least Cool Person Tournament history, former Cardinal basketball player and current runner/agent/coach/something Brandon Bender took home the dubious title in late June. For the second consecutive year, Kentucky head coach John Calipari was relegated to runner-up status.

2. The Chicken Movement

To date, there has been no situation more representative of what Card Chronicle is than the Chicken Knowles saga.

It's impossible to explain, but here's an attempt:

1. Card Chronicle discovers recruit with amazing name

2. Card Chronicle decides it wants said recruit to play for Louisville

3. Outside world takes notice, but does not understand

4. Outside world reacts in a variety of different ways

I think that about covers it.

Also, it's not over.

1. Elisha Justice: Hottest Male Athlete in the World

If the Chicken Movement was CC personified, then Sexy Bullet winning a hottest male athlete tournament run by a homosexual sports website was CC flexing its muscle.

Seriously, because of you people Louisville's walk-on backup point guard has a legitimate claim that he is the hottest male athlete in the world. That's power. Or something.

Hell of a summer. Solid work, everyone.