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Central Florida will never win a football national title

Check out this excerpt from Drew Magary's weekly mailbag feature on Deadspin:


I have a friend who is a huge homer for the Central Florida Golden Knights football team. He is convinced that they will win a national championship in our lifetime and has confidently espoused this opinion to myself and our friends on numerous occasions. We finally told him to either back up his talk with some cash or shut it the hell up, and so the following futures bet was concocted: If UCF wins a national championship in our lifetime, we (me and 6 other guys) will each pay our friend $5000, or a healthy $35K in total. In every year of our lives that UCF fails to bring home the glory, our friend pays each of us $50, so $350/year, assuming no one meets an untimely demise.

Our friend remains confident that he will be vindicated, and it already making plans to purchase a billboard that he will maintain until his assumed winnings runs out, calling us all stupid assholes. We're equally confident that this is as safe an investment as you will find, a virtual perpetuity, and have considered securitizing it and selling shares on Wall Street.

The bet was made last fall to start next season, so the payouts haven't started yet, however, all this conference realignment and the possibility of UCF joining the Big East, as if that will make a difference, as gotten this conversation heated up again. Who do you think got the better deal?

Are you shitting me? You just got a guaranteed payout of $50 a year for the rest of your miserable life. I wish I had a friend this breathtakingly stupid. Who the hell is a homer for UCF? FACT: 67% of all UCF students can't even name their school. You go to UCF when you have seven kids and you need a quickie degree to get certified as an electrician. No one there actually CARES about that school. That's just foolish.

They are certain schools that will NEVER win a national title in college football. Ever. Like Duke. Duke will never win a national title in football. Neither will Baylor. Nor will Northwestern. The national title in college football is basically a shared rotation between a dozen or so schools, with Auburn sneaking in a title every half-decade when it doesn't get caught buying coke and hookers for its players. Outside of that circle, you can go ahead and cue Vince McMahon's theme music. Your friend is a moron.