I'm generally a pretty upbeat person. If you look through my family's old photo albums, you won't find a single picture of me as a baby where I'm not smiling. It's a disposition I've successfully tried to carry with me as I've grown older, save for a couple of puberty-fueled years of awkward rage.
When something is bothering me, I'm an enormous fan of taking those thoughts and/or emotions, locking them somewhere dark and distant, and tossing the key in my duodenum. I believe this to be the best way to handle problems because A) The bad feeling goes away (duh), and B) It's been medically proven to be extremely healthy.
The lone downside to this otherwise watertight technique is that once every 60 days or so I absolutely explode and make everyone I come in contact with feel the way Van Gogh did every day.
Today is one of those days.
I'm fully aware that none of what you're about to read has any business being on this blog, but when I rage I enjoy reaching the absolute greatest number of people possible. That said, here are nine things I have major issues with.
1. See-Through Steps
I'm looking at you, Jefferson County Judicial Center and every high school stadium in Louisville sans Ballard's home side.
Is my body going to be able to fit through this extremely narrow space should I stumble up these steps, resulting in a 12-foot death-inducing free-fall? Probably not. But you know what? I don't like that the thought has to even cross my mind.
Give me steps with a back. Give me peace.
2. Banks That Use The Color Red For Both Their Open And Closed Lanes
I understand why the land of the free can't have a national language or religion, but I have no doubt that Washington, Jefferson and Thomas Paine (Thomas Paine!) would be 100% behind a law establishing that green means go/open while red means stop/closed.
I shouldn't have to quadruple check to ensure that I'm going to be greeted by a teller when I eventually pull into the line I'm eyeballing, CHASE. And if I do pull into a lane that is, unbeknownst to my color-based decision making, closed, I will peel out the moment I realize what I've done, and I will be sobbing.
Hope you enjoy the one-to-two-to-however long it takes for the person working that day to not be at the window when I come back delay in business. Pricks.
3. Morning Pop Radio DJs
There's never been an established demographic for annoying, so the continued existence of these shows has always baffled me.
The only explanation for the survival of these programs is that their listenership is made up entirely of middle-aged parents and their pre-to-early teenage children who, though they hate the DJs every bit as much as everyone else, are looking for the least lethal combination of anger and awkwardness during their 10-20 minute co-existence on the ride to school. When the ride is over, both take their pent up frustration out on their peers.
Every time hit someone too hard during touch football at recess I was thinking of Peter B. I hope he's being tortured somewhere.
4. Card Chronicle
Dude never posts anymore, and when he does it just isn't the same as it was in '07 or '08.
5. The 20-Something Handshake
Still clinging to youth with every inch of our being, people my age (we of the "dap" era) have temporarily spurned the full-embrace of the cheesedick smile, stick-up-the-ass handshake of our elders in a favor of a temporarily acceptable alternative.
Here's how it works: 20-something one extends his hand in standard, traditional handshake fashion. Twenty-something two, however, rears back as if he's going for a high-five or one of the elaborate hand rituals that have baffled the elderly for the past decade. Instead, 20-something two locks into the standard handshake grip with 20-something one (a hold you wouldn't expect from a wind-up so extreme), only the embrace is far more intense and violent than one you'd see in any place of serious business.
I call this the slapshake. It's how we say, "yeah, we both have semi-serious full-time jobs, but if you challenge me to a weekend game of beer pong, I'm going to accept...I mean, I'm going to be a little rusty, but I'd still like to play."
Personally, I miss the old days. I miss seeing someone familiar and hitting them with a thumb-first slap, rolling that back into a four-finger embrace and then maybe even capping it off with a bump. Is the bump ironic? Maybe (we are white). Or maybe we're just way more bad ass than the other people in the same current social situation could have ever thought.
I think it's the mystery of youth that I miss the most. Or maybe it's just the bumping. There's a good chance it's the bumping.
6. Dropping Clean Clothes/Sheets When Taking Them Out Of The Dryer
This is a situation that people, myself included, have turned a blind eye to for years.
There is no way that the clothes I wore or the sheets I slept in came in contact with anything nearly as filthy as the laundry room floor during their latest in between wash existence. And yet, ignorance is the only play we have here.
There are few waits more insufferable than the time spent listening for that extremely unnecessarily loud dryer buzz. And the thought that all that time spent (I just watched a goddamn episode of Glee) could be sullied in the split-second it takes for a sparkling white undershirt to abandon his unpolluted brethren and make quick, cheap love to the cricket-infested ground below is one that I just don't have the stomach to entertain.
You pick the shirt up, you put it in the basket and you forget...you forget something that never, ever happened.
Every female reading this said or thought, "hey!" after the Glee comment. Exclamation points!!!!
7. Parents Yanking And Swearing At Their Small Children In Public
Because this works. Jerking your three-year-olds arm out of its socket while telling him or her to "shut the f--- up" in Target is the only time-tested recipe to produce exemplary adolescent behavior. In fact, the kid starts speaking in a British accent the moment the combination is performed.
The above paragraph was sarcasm. I apologize for my deception.
Below are actual results from a recent study that followed what kids who are treated like this turn out to be when they grow up:
Assholes - 45%
Dicks - 30%
Felons - 15%
Elementary School Dropouts - 9.99%
Accomplished Historians - .01%
8. 100.5 Gen X Radio
Six-months ago, I would have been appalled at this inclusion. The first time I heard "Escape" and "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" back-to-back, my mind was blown and my heart was captured.
Now, a half-year later, I realize that my unabated support was premature. The station has a very limited library of music (I've heard "What a Man" more times in 2010 than I did when I didn't know what a Dapper Don was), which is surprising since their signal strength is so robust.
Acknowledge my concerns now or lose me forever, 100.5.
9. Over-The-Top Post-World Cup U.S. Soccer Supporters
In recent days, I've spotted a number of people walking around wearing U.S. soccer jerseys or "Property of United States Soccer Federation" t-shirts. It's like people who sported Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers in '07 or the people still sporting "W: The President" bumper stickers.
We get it. You care even when the rest of the country doesn't. Donovan's goal meant more to you. You're going to be explaining what really happened on the disputed play against Slovenia three years from now to people who don't know what a corner kick is.
You bother me.