You may have noticed this morning that the hair on your chest was a bit thicker, your voice a bit deeper and more intimidating, and your 15-inch pythons have miraculously been upgraded to 16s. That's because we're a mere 24 hours away from the manliest of manly days in the Derby City, the day the Keg of Nails comes out of hiding and makes all other rivalry trophies shit their plaques.
There's no reason to try and hide it, I love the Keg of Nails. Officially, it's my fourth favorite keg, just behind keg of beer, keg of money and keg of Preston Knowles.
Of course the reason the keg is showing its burly mug is because the Cardinals and Bearcats are preparing to duel for its services for the 49th time. The winners will earn the right to hoist the keg for a solid 15 minutes, and then quickly put him back in his case because the dude's a bad ass and does not enjoy being touched.
I'm down, you're down, we're all down. And what has everyone who's ever been down done in order to get up? They've found some way to get a keg.
Fact: Kegs changed the tide of World Wars I and II, brought Hemingway out of depression and inspired the cure for polio.
Let's admit it: after having it around for half a decade, we took the Keg of Nails for granted. We made jokes that were in poor taste in front of its friends, openly flirted with the Little Brown Jug and used store-bought nails from Home Depot to hang up that picture of us with the Governor's Cup Trophy.
I think I speak for all of us when I say that we've changed. We've seen what life without the Keg of Nails is like and, quite frankly, it's miserable. The city of Louisville needs the keg now more than ever.
It's time to come home and start the healing process.