There is a part of me - the same one which can't understand the attraction of expensive cars and tolerates the pace of Jim Jarmusch films - that loathes the Internet.
On multiple occasions, people outside of my mom have described me as "fun," but that doesn't mean I'm not in the marker for some serious, semi-intelligent banter every now and again. When I go in search of it online, I generally end up feeling the same way I did after I saw John Tucker Must Die: confused, scared and willing to try just about anything to dull the pain.
On the Internet, everything sucks, everyone else is a moron, and people unable to properly use whose or who's lambast other people for their inability to properly use your or you're. It's all very unsettling if you're not in the right frame of mind.
But what probably bothers me the most about the sports continent of the world wide web is the widely held belief that any negative thing written or said about your favorite team or program is the product of an indisputable raging bias.
TCU loses to Utah by 40 and the columnist in Fort Worth calls the performance "embarrassing?" I'm not surprised, I heard his wife grew up in Ogden. Five Mississippi State players stab an opposing coach during a nationally televised game and Rece Davis says the program has a "discipline problem?" He's been trying to bring down MSU since he worked at WJRT in Flint.
I'm so tired of fighting it that I'm buying in.
The entire world outside of Jefferson County works round the clock to bring down the U of L athletic program (or make it look stupid), and I will not stand for it any longer.
Starting today, we're going to take a weekly look at the mustache-twiddlers doing their damnedest to tear down something we love, and call them out one-by-one.
Let's count these sons of bitches down.
3. BRIAN BROHM
I know, he's like the white Lando Calrissian.
So I was perusing the play-by-play from the first Green Bay Packers practice earlier this week, and something immediately jumped out and slapped me where it hurts (behind my left ear).
Brohm complete to Taj Smith for 7 yards;
Really, Brian? Taj Smith? This Taj Smith?
If you can't get that little bastard laid out then you better not even think about chucking the ball in his direction.
Louisville's golden boy, please. You're going to need to back a winning Derby horse or outlast Joe Frazier in the Philippines if you want to live this one down.
2. THE BIG EAST
First, the Big East media vote Louisville seventh in its preseason poll, and then the league makes the following "Best of 2007" games available to watch on its official website.
June 16: USF upsets Auburn in overtime, 23-20
June 23: Pittsburgh ends West Virginia's national title hopes, 13-9 in Morgantown
June 30: Syracuse stuns Louisville, 38-35 at Papa John's Cardinal Stadium
July 7: Connecticut stops USF in the rain, 22-15
July 14: Cincinnati scores 31 first quarter points, hangs on for 38-33 win over USF
July 21: Pat White helps WVU run away from Louisville, 38-31, on ESPN's showcase Thursday night game
July 28: Interim head coach Bill Stewart and West Virginia blow out Oklahoma in the 2008 Fiesta Bowl, 48-28
So I guess the U.S. Reed game was a last second cut.
You're flirting with disaster here, folks. Don't think this ship won't change its course and head for the pristine waters of the Sun Belt, because it's about one correct pass interference call against us away from happening.
1. ESPN
No surprise here. Everyone knows ESPN loves every professional and college sports team besides Louisville.
The latest example? How about Mark Schlabach's new Big East blog.
In preparation for this week's Big East media day, Schlabach offered up seven big questions hanging over the league as we approach the beginning of the season.
Those questions were:
--How much will Pat White throw the football this season?
--Will Ben Mauk be eligible to play quarterback for Cincinnati?
--Will Greg Robinson survive another season at Syracuse?
--Is Pitt ready to contend for the Big East title?
--Can Mike Teel carry the Rutgers offense?
--How will South Florida rebuild its defense?
--Is it time for Rutgers fans to start getting nervous about keeping coach Greg Schiano?
Hmm, so let's see, we've got eight teams in this league, and I want to make sure I have all my bases covered...yep, seven questions is perfect.
Your bias is showing. Oh god is it showing.