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Top ten web searches of the past six months

It's the first week of June. The kids are back home, the neighborhood pool is the hot spot, and sports blogs with no sport to cover are throwing whatever they can get their hands on at the nearest wall with the faint hope that something will stick...and they're being lectured for their lack of "big boy" table manners.

As I mentioned just before New Year's, one of the most rewarding parts of running a blog is checking out all (seven of) the different ways that people are arriving at your site (one of the least rewarding parts of running a blog, however, is having to tell people that you run a blog). The vast majority of the (seven) hits come from links or people arriving directly or reasonable Google searches like "Louisville basketball." But every now and then I notice a hit from a web search that's just a tad more unusual than the ones surrounding it, and on these rare and exciting occasions, I paste said search words into a Microsoft Word document for use in a post like the one where you already skipped past this part and onto the list five seconds ago.

Ladies and gentleman, your top ten searches that have led browsers to Card Chronicle in the first half of 2008:

10. "when a your best is living you for ever card"

My best guess is that the "a" doesn't belong in there, that "living" is supposed to be "loving," and that "for ever" is supposed to be one word. And even then it doesn't make a bit of Goddamn sense.

9. "Where to by an uzi"

Rod Council, still spreading the joy from a North Carolina prison.

8. "Guy with Unibrow on Jeopardy"


7. "Pope and dc"

I saw where this one was going, but the visual of the Pope and Derrick Caracter having a cup of tea, discussing the role of elders in their adolescence or playing a game of one-on-one was enough to get this on the list.

6. "most important decisions of life"

Some poor bastard at an emotional crossroads searching desperately for some sort of help ended up in the middle of a spirited debate over whether a praying baby or a gyrating image deserved to serve as the online good luck charm for a college basketball team during an upcoming tournament.

5. "My Hot comment im a cool person"

I think it was actually me who performed this search. What can I say? Sometimes before a big weekend you just need confirmation that you are, in fact, a cool person who tosses around hot comments like they're on life support.

4. "Mike of Louisville Kentucky"

Because this is how you're gonna find him.

3. "'david padgett' scary guy in crowd"

I would actually pay to know more about the story here. What's the relationship between Padgett and the scary guy? Is the person searching actually the scary guy? Has Padgett been the scary guy all along and we don't find out until a dramatic closing scene that includes a stirring performance by Barry Pepper and a cameo from Preston Knowles wearing Juan Palacios's goggles?

It's really anybody's guess at this point.

2. "card for people you hate"

Not sending a card at all generally gets the point across, but If you really hate this person, you should be able to work some magic with a sheet of paper and a sharpie.

Although I have to say, if "Cards for People you Hate" had its own section at Hallmark, I'd probably have to drop in more than never in my life.

1. what type of food does pope benedict like

This one claims the top spot almost entirely because at the time the Pope was in the midst of his trip to the United States, and this site was the top result in the world for this search. I wonder what type of traffic a "Tips to Bribe Your Way Into Heaven" post would drive.