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Thanksgiving sucks


For starters, it's a holiday completely replete with myths. The Native Americans celebrated a good harvest with a bountiful meal of thanks long before the pilgrims ever crashed on Plymouth Rock, a practice that was forced to take a brief hiatus whilst its architects were being "decreased" in population by 95%.

Secondly, the food is overrated. Sure, it's a solid meal, but who doesn't eat turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing at least three or four other times throughout the calendar year? And how the hell did cranberries in any form weasel their way onto this menu? If everyone in the country could eat lobster and steak for $5 on Thanksgiving then the hype would be justified.

Third, you've got far too much forced conversation time with relatives you have nothing in common with outside of some brief shared history with your dad. Then you've got the added creepiness of them spending the night at your house or you crashing at their foul-smelling, too chilly residence.

When you're finally able to escape the mangled grip of family obligation, you go out and realize that the number of people you don't want to see who came back in town outnumber the people you did want to see who left town by about 3-to-1. The cover at the bar is outrageous, but apparently not so outrageous that anyone in the city isn't willing to pay it since it takes you 45 minutes to get a drink and another half an hour to take a leak. After another 25 minutes of waiting in a cold you're far too conscious of with a couple of females who miraculously did manage to achieve inebriation on a street strangely devoid of cabs, you return to your house more sober than you left it.

And then of course you have the privilege of being able to witness the football team you've spent your entire life courageously behind coming one step closer to being remembered as the single worst team in the history of professional football by totally being humiliated before, during and after the largest defeat in Thanksgiving history. So you try to get some good vibes back by making some money at the track, only to get blanked while friends making far more money than you hit it big via a favorable photo finish that of course comes at your expense.

Then the star on top: rounding out the weekend by watching - while hampered by a flu bug you probably contracted by not wearing a coat out earlier in the weekend - the lone perceived rock of your sports fandom world go down in flames as the rest of the college basketball world celebrates the first true stunner of the young season.

Sure, some experiences vary slightly, but I'm pretty sure this pretty much covers the gist of everyone's November holiday celebration.

Next year I'm going with a Halloween and two Christmases...or maybe a second birthday. Is there anyone out there with enough local clout to make two Derbys happen? We got a year to work on this.