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Petrino to Coach Dolphins

A couple of days old, but still too funny not to post in full.


Just days after signing a 5-year, $24 million offer to become head coach of the Atlanta Falcons, Bobby Petrino is leaving Atlanta to become head coach of the Miami Dolphins. The former college coach, who was lured to the NFL after leading the Louisville Cardinals to a 12-1 record, will reportedly sign a 6-year, $30 million deal with the Dolphins.

On Tuesday, Falcons owner Arthur Blank held a conference call with reporters to discuss Petrino's departure.

"I don't know what happened," Blank said. "He seemed really excited about being here. He even said he hoped to retire a Falcon. Then I got an email from his agent saying that he was quitting to go the Dolphins. It's disappointing, because in his short time here, he really worked hard to get the most out of this team. Thankfully there are still good coaches out there, like Nick Saban. What's that? He already has a job? Tee hee. That's funny. I just faxed him an offer and he's already on a plane to Atlanta."

Petrino met briefly with his Falcons players on Monday to let them know he was leaving. News of his departure took many players by surprise, but they refused to criticize their coach for taking the best offer available.

"It's surprising because he just became our coach 24 hours ago," quarterback Michael Vick told reporters. "When he met with us yesterday, he was pretty broken up and said that he enjoyed coaching us and that he wished us continued success. In a sense, I think his heart will always be in Atlanta. There are just too many memories for him here, like stepping off the plane for the first time, meeting the team, signing the contract, and then quitting."

Petrino served as head coach at Louisville from 2003 to 2006. During his tenure there, he transformed the program from a doormat to a perennial contender and, as a result, was wooed aggressively by several NFL teams. In an effort to ensure he stayed put, Louisville signed him to a 10-year, $25 million contract extension last July. Seven months later, he left to accept a job with the Atlanta Falcons, which he left to coach the Miami Dolphins

Petrino today called the Dolphins "his dream job."

"All my career I've wanted to coach the Miami Dolphins," said Petrino, who earlier this year said Louisville was "where [he] wanted to be." "I am excited about the challenge that awaits me, and I'm excited about the potential that I see for this team. I leave the Falcons with a heavy heart, and thank Mr. Blank for giving me the chance to lead them. I do believe I left the franchise in better shape than I found it, if only because they know better now than to hire somebody like me again."

Among the most surprised to hear the news were the Dolphins players, who expected a lengthy, protracted search for their new head coach. But owner Wayne Huizenga, still reeling from the abrupt departure of Nick Saban, stepped up and made sure the Dolphins got their man.

"This is a very exciting day for the Dolphins organization," said Huizenga, who began wooing Petrino as soon as Saban departed. "We've secured one of the brightest coaching minds in football. Hopefully this one will stick around for a little longer, and hopefully he'll do a better job than the last `brightest mind in football' we hired. Fortunately we have a strategy to prevent a recurrence of the Nick Saban debacle: We're going to fire this bastard after a year to prevent him from quitting. By that time Bill Parcells should be available anyway, and we can finally stop dealing with these overmatched college dipshits."

Unfortunately for Huizenga, he may not get the opportunity to fire Petrino. According to a report in today's Arizona Republic, the Cardinals have contacted Petrino and are currently working on a lucrative deal to bring him to Arizona. Petrino has reportedly called the Arizona Cardinals "his dream job."