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Jacob Messer Writes Like An Unpopular Sixth-Grader From 1998

With the big game now just a week away, we've been spending an increased amount of time checking out the online version of the Charleston Daily Mail in an effort to keep up with everything West Virginia football related.  We've gathered enough information to come to the revolutionary conclusion that the paper blows. It blows hard. (Note: The Mountaineer band story was at the top of the front page for nearly all of Wednesday the 25th and into the wee hours of Thursday the 26th).

At the top of the list of reasons why the paper blows is this column by sports writer Jacob Messer, who we're convinced is overly into anime, and at one time in his life really enjoyed feeding mice to his pet snake.

Messer is (in his vernacular) po'd that Louisville players have been made unavailable to out-of-state media by Bobby Petrino.

His revenge? Writing the lamest column in the history of journalism.

We realize that this isn't exactly the Times (St. Patrick's Church of Adams, Massachussetts Times), but when a guy shows up for an interview wearing tight sweatpants and a "The Truth is Out There" shirt, you don't give him his own sports column. When you do, this is what happens

All right boys and girls prepare yourself to get Messered.

Just call him Petrified Petrino.

Oooo alliteration. Fancy. All right you've got our attention, we're ready to here all about why Louisville's front seven isn't fully prepared for West Virginia's top-rated rushing attack, or how their pass efficiency defense is fourth in the country, or how Darius Reynaud is the secret weapon no one is talking about. Take us to the promised land Messie.

Apparently afraid that his players might provide their upcoming opponent with bulletin-board material, Louisville Coach Bobby Petrino has made the Cardinals unavailable to out-of-state media members.

For the next two weeks, that means me and my state colleagues.

Seriously, this is what you're writing about? This is what pissed off third graders do when their asked to write an essay during detention. You have to adapt and be creative when things like this happen. You're a chameleon Mess, a chameleon.

Unfortunately for Daily Mail readers, they won't have an opportunity to read the Cardinals' thoughts on the Mountaineers' offense, defense and special teams.

All thanks to Petrino ... or no thanks, to be accurate.

Good thing you added the "no thanks" explanation for accuracy, because without it we would have been lost.

"Why did he just thank Petrino when he acted like he wasn't happy at the beginning??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????? I WANT MY MIND BACK JACOB MESSER!!!!"

OK, now we're kind of pissed.

Petrino's decision stems from a September incident in which senior linebacker Nate Harris, a Miami native, criticized his hometown team during interviews with Florida media members.

Of course, Harris' comments didn't help the Hurricanes, who suffered a 31-7 setback.

That didn't matter to Petrino, who decided then and there to adopt his no-access policy, Louisville Assistant Sports Information Director Rocco Gasparro said.

What did matter to Petrino was that after he put the muzzle on Nate (which happened that Tuesday mind you) he was able to watch Brandon Merriweather and more importantly a noticeably rattled Kyle Wright continue to spout off to the media and get increasinlgy unstable before the game. This culminated with Miami jumping on the Cardinal in a feeble attempt to mask their growing insecurities, much like the way a confidence-lacking young man will embellish his sexual escapades to friends or anyone willing to listen.

As you mentioned Mess-daddy, Louisville did win the game 31-7, and one could only conclude that Petrino decided that the restricted access policy had worked so well that it would be wise to implement it again in the days before another huge game full of high drama where young men might be tempted to say certain controversial things to the media that they wouldn't ordinarily.

Fortunately for Daily Mail readers and unfortunately for Petrino, I found a way to get quotes from Louisville players.

Instead of Mister Rocco, I called Miss Cleo.

Miss Cleo? Are you fucking kidding me?

What's the deal Messer, couldn't think of a good Y2K joke? Didn't want the Lewinsky scandal references to go stale? Waiting to use "Louisville is the weakest link, goodbye" until Nov. 3?

Refreshing to see a sports writer so on top of what's hip and "in the now." God you're clever. We should hang out. We should hang out and watch Jag.

And let me tell you: Now, I understand why Petrino is paranoid.

His players talk more trash than Oscar the Grouch.

Uhh Oscar lives in a trash can Messer, that doesn't mean that there is garbage constantly in his mouth or insides ready to ecscape the moment his jaws begin to come unclenched. When Oscar speaks he is indeed grouchy, but to insinuate that trash actually spews from his orifice on said occasions is a blatant misrepresentation of the truth. Your attempt at juxtaposition is ineffective and irresponsible.

Harris also accused junior fullback Owen Schmitt of using steroids, although he doesn't think they are working too well.

"He's big, but he's weak," Harris said. "Quite frankly, my grandmother blocks better than him -- and she has to use a walker!"

The day Nate Harris makes a "my grandmother is in better physical shape than you" joke in the context of trying to put down another human being is the day that we kick Nate Harris' ass. Sadly, the day you make a "my grandmother is in better shape than you" joke in the context of successfully making yourself laugh is likely every day.

Messer continues to humiliate himself by making up horribly lame quotes for Amobi Okoye and Mario Urrutia.

And then he crosses the line. He crosses the line,  turns around, goes back and takes a leak on the line before continuing on to a home assuredly adorned with Lou Bega posters.

He does the unthinkable.

Even junior kicker Art Carmody is running his mouth.

"What color is his hair going to be this week?" Carmody sarcastically asked about his counterpart, sophomore kicker Pat McAfee, who sports a bleached-blonde do. "That guy spends more time at the supermarket looking for his gels and dyes than he does on the field working on his extra points and field goals."

Art Carmody doesn't run his mouth, he makes field goals and bangs models. And if he did, Muhammad Ali would be stepping aside to make way for the new sultan of smack this very moment.

It's on now Messer. You're not just a shitty writer anymore, you're a shitty writer who's taken a shot at Art Carmody. There's no coming back from that sir.

Hmm, unless...

You have one chance and one chance only to make this up to us Mess-o. You take Art and us out on the town for an unforgettbale night that includes dinner at Napa River Grill, free drinks all night at a locale of Art's choosing and the third season of Friends on DVD gift wrapped for both of us in Louisville Cardinal wrapping paper.

You do this Messer, you do this or we'll make sure you're never....ever...linked to by this site again.

Then, I realized they had to be true when I remembered what Miss Cleo always told her customers during her commercials:

The Cards never lie.

And there it is.

Once again Messer finds a fresh way to get us rolling that had previously been left unexplored. A pun on the word "Cards" in regards to University of Louisville athletics? God, everytime Messer does something like reference Art Carmody in a light that doesn't properly reflect his glory, he turns around and does something like this to totally redeem himself.

The only thing that would have made that better would have been if Messer could have used, like, a word that, like, ends in -ate like "regurgitate" or something, and then he could have had a sentence that could have been like "My friend regurgit was going to play Louisville in football, but before the game regurgitate them."

Oh man that would have been great.

You're the best Jacob Messer, the best in the biz.