When I awoke today, I arose under the impression that my responsibilities were thus: shower, go to work, leave work, watch the game, celebrate victory. However, my social media today has alerted me to a responsibility, an obligation even, that I was fully unaware of and cannot afford to shirk any longer.
It has been brought to my attention that, as someone who has watched >5 college basketball games, it is incumbent upon me to provide all of the internet with my keen sportsball analysis on the happenings of the ESPNs and the NCAAs tonight.
With that in mind, here are my Three Keys to Victory for the University of Louisville to topple the mighty Lexington Basketball Academy:
1. Score More Points than the Other Team
Over the past two nights, I have watched ~170 hours of game footage in order to analyze the affect that point totals have on games. Through what I believe to be a thorough and scientific analysis, I have found that with an astonishing 100% success rate, the team that records the most points during the sportsball contest has been crowned victor. It is incredible to me that analysts such as Doug Gottlieb, Digger Phelps, and country-western music star Randy Travis have not even brought this incredible statistic to light!
To apply this to tonight's competition between the Cardinal Birds of the Louisville Region and the Wilderness Cats of the Lexington, BOTH Richard Pitino, Sr. AND Johnathan Calapari have won EVERY game in which their team has scored more goals than their opponents. It seems odd that such a telling statistic has not been added to the narrative.
2. Play Defense
Using the extrapolation skills I acquired in Mr. Coleman's 6th grade science class, my second Key to Victory builds upon my first. Now, to the untrained eye, this key point might not be as obvious, but I'll have you know that I have filled out a bracket for the past THREE NCAA tournaments, so you should probably listen to what I'm saying about these things instead of listening to Obama because who even is that?
Pictured: Obama, probably. /research
If our first key for Louisville's victory is to score more points than their opponent, then my research and logic indicates that Louisville must also try to keep their opponent from scoring points! Based on what I have observed, we should be the most focused on Julian Randel. If you haven't heard, he is a large man and is good at placing the ball in the hoop -- exactly what we DON'T want LBA (Lexington Basketball Academy) to do!
If our defense can keep them from scoring points, or even take the ball away from them and claim it as our own, we should experience success!
3. Stay out of Fall Trouble
Did you read that twice? Did you think that was supposed to say FOUL trouble? Well you're a silly little ragdoll and obvi not qualified to write an article of this caliber so please don't comment on it and embarrass yourself.
Our team has to stay out of fall trouble. What does this mean? It means we cannot afford to fall down very much during the game. Our first two Keys to Victory have already laid out the best game plan (someone make sure Coach Pitino gets this article): 1) Score Points, and 2) Don't let them Score Points. However, this bulletproof game plan could be put in jeopardy if we trip and fall down a lot.
Imagine Russ driving to the basket, but instead of putting up a neat shot, he accidentally falls down (obvi no foul would be called because refs). Now LBA takes the ball and they might score a goal unit! One fall might be forgivable, MAYBE two, but if we fall down more than three times, we are going to lose the contest.
At the end of the day, we need to stay on our feet (unless we are attempting a jumping-shot) because laying on the floor is not how basketball is played and I can GUARANTEE that William Colley R.L. Stein won't be laying on the ground the whole game!
This concludes my expert analysis on the Louisville/LBA matchup tonight in the Savory Sixteen. Please ignore any further analysis from the so-called "experts," because I've got your final score right here, baby.
Final score: Louisville 80, LBA less than that.