[/settles into seat after the under-4 timeout, two beers in hand]
Man, this is going to be a tough game. Cincinnati always plays us tough here at the Yum! Center. I just hope Luke doesn't play more than 8 or 10 minutes, you guys.
[Louisville jumps out to a 22-15 lead]
Hey, Bilas. HEY! JAY! JAY BILAS! LOOK AT THAT 1986 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP BANNER, MISTER DUKIE. HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES, LAWYER-BOY? HANH? I KNOW YOU HEAR ME, JAY. LOOK UP HERE. SECTION 320. RIGHT HERE, BIG GUY. LOOK AT ME. LOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEE.
(turns to friends) Hah, Jay hears me guys, I know he hears me. That's why he's not looking up here, because he hears me and he's scared. Just like '86 in Dallas. What a punk. Remember when he stomped on Nazr Mohammed in that SEC tournament game? What a goon.
I hear Bilas created that BPI ranking system that ESPN uses. Yeah, he ranks every team from 1 to three hundred and fifty-something. Hear he factors in how many timeouts each coach uses. I get all my sports news from ESPN and it's easily the best ratings system after the RPI. Nothing beats the RPI. There's a reason it's been around since the '80s.
[Cincinnati ties the score at 22-22]
HEY, RICK. RICK!!! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK. TAKE LUKE OUT OF THE GAME YOU IDIOT DON'T YOU KNOW RIVALS DOT COME GAVE WAYNE BLACKSHEAR EIGHT RECRUITING STARS? HE AVERAGED FIFTY FIVE POINTS AGAINST ANTHONY DAVIS IN HIGH SCHOOL GOD DAM*** RICK. YOU MAKE SIX MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR WHY DON'T YOU CALL BRAD STEVENS AND ASK HIM HOW TO WIN A MANAGE YOUR LINEUP YOU HACK.
[Louisville heads into the half with a 35-31 lead after a deep 3 from Siva beats the buzzer.]
(turns to friends) Man, Pitino's really got Siva playing well in March again, gotta hand it to him. He's not in the Hall of Fame for nothing, you guys. Who wants another drink? What? Why not? COME ON. Stop being such a girly man, Larry. No, I'm not getting pizza, my buzz is starting to wear off.
[Cincinnati ties the game at 37-all]
(to his friends) Jesus, what are we doing, guys. What kind of offensive set is Rick running? Peyton Siva cannot lead this team, guys. I'm sorry but he's just not tough enough.
COME ON, RICK, PUT WAYNE BACK IN; LUKE IS TERRIBLE, I COULD PLAY BETTER.
(to friends) I really could average eight points if I got Luke's minutes, guys. You know I could. I mean, if I didn't have a bad knee, I bet I could dunk on that Rubles kid. I doubt Luke could dunk. He's like Mike Marra, Rick messed him up in the head. No way he'll ever contribute at the Division I level. Sorry, but I keep it real.
[Louisville surges to 53-41 lead after creating multiple turnovers]
Man, we should be killing these guys by 30. Rick couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag.
HEY RICK KEEP DRINKING THAT CANTELOPE WATER HAHAHAHA
(to friends) Get it, guys? Cantelope water? Oh, man.
[Hancock makes a 3, then assists Montrezl Harrell's dunk on back-to-back possessions to push U of L's lead to 60-44]
(to no one because his friends left early to beat traffic) Well, if Hancock's so good, why doesn't Rick give him a scholarship then, huh smart guys? Whatever. I bet Calipari would be beating these guys by 30 points. Rick's teams just can't seem to close these big games out like a national championship contender should.
I wish they would play Sandstorm more often.
[Louisville wins 67-51]
C...A...R...GO TO YOUR CAR. WOOOOOOOOOOO. YEEEYAAAHHH. BOOM, TAKE THAT BEARCATS. I STILL HATE THUGGINS, BAHAHA.
HEY SIVA. GREAT GAME BUDDY. GO CARDS. ALL THE WAY TO THE FINAL FOUR.
[Monitor shows highlights of Pitino's career commemorating his 300th win as the Louisville coach]
(talking to the usher, who's trying to watch the video screen) How 'bout dem Cards, baby. I'm glad Rick finally figured out how to coach this team. I told you he would turn it around. TOLD YOU.
[/stumbles out of the KFC Yum! Center, heads towards the Troll Pub Under the Bridge where his friends are waiting]