Teddy Icewater - Andy Lyons
After a four-year absence, the KON returns to Louisville for keeps and oh god my voice just dropped a full octave this is awesome.
Please welcome our guest blogger Keg Of Nails, who we've invited to break down tonight's game:
Alright, first things first: f*** the city of Cincinnati and especially f*** cinnamon spaghetti chili. Nobody likes either of you.
You guys, the last four years were the worst of my life and I'm so happy to come back to my true home here in the Derby City. Also, really love what y'all are doing downtown. KFC Yum! Center. NuLu. Charlie f***ing Strong. God, I love this place.
F*** Cincinnati, btw. Yo Munchie, I wish you weren't a liar. Oh wait, hey guys, hold on a minute, Eric Wood just picked me up.
[/takes smoke break]
OK, one more thing before football stuff, you're welcome ladies for the increased growth of hair on the face and chest of every man in the city of Louisville today. The rumor is true, there are no nails inside me, but ever since Schnellenberger dipped me in his vat of liquid Human Growth Hormone, I've been the Ohio River Valley's #1 source of testosterone and hair growth. Close second: Pat Moorer. Look it up, I'll wait.
[/shotguns three beers]
Alright, enough about me, let's talk football. Munchie is a clown. Literally. He dresses up like a clown and tells jokes to local media on the side to support his crippling cinnamon spaghetti chili habit. Really sad. The chili part. It sucks.
Teddy Bridgewater is no keg of nails but he's a frickin' stud as my old pal Steveweiser Kragthorpe would say. I look forward to dipping my rope handles in some "school books" with you & your study partners, young Teddy. Oh yeaaaaahhh.
[String of sexually suggestive anecdotes and offensive comments omitted by editor]
...and that was the second time I got woodrot.
Seriously though, Teddy Bridgewater.
Screw the rest of the breakdown, let's just celebrate together all night, Louisville. I'm back, baby.