Hello! My name is John Marinumbskull, I’m the current president of Beta Epsilon fraternity, and I’d like to start by welcoming you to Because we Can so Shut up University. I’m glad you’ve all made the decision to acquiesce to the University (even though you have no other choice). Tonight, I’d like to talk to you about the benefits of joining an elite BCSU fraternity, then I’d like to discuss some of the other fraternities, and then I’d like to close by showing you why you should rush Beta Epsilon.
Before I begin, I’d like to say it’s good to see you all here. You probably know some of our current members, were probably friends with them before they joined Beta Epsilon. Houston, ECU, you guys are probably familiar with our guys Louisville, South Florida and Cincinnati. Boise, San Diego State, Air Force, I’d like to thank you for making the long trip out here. Hope you don’t have jet lag! Hopefully you can make many more. Navy, your reputation precedes you. I know you haven’t had the greatest luck lately, but you’ve got a rich history, a big family, and a lot of friends, so that’s always good. SMU, UCF, somebody said we should invite you, so here you are.
So let’s dive right into why you should join a fraternity at BCSU. First of all, it gains you a potential invite to the end of year BCSU party. You’ve all heard about it, some of you have crashed it. You know about the party gifts, the music, the media attention. Secondly, it gets you great publicity. The school paper always covers our stories first. The University TV televises a lot of our intramural games (though a lot of ours here at Beta Epsilon seem to end up on the website most of the time these days). And thirdly, money. You’re probably saying to yourself "But I thought I came to BCSU to get an education?" Let’s be honest, you and I both know that’s not true.
You have six fraternity options here at BCSU. We’ll start with Beta 1 Gamma. Stupid name, I know. Don’t even know where the 1 came from, but whatever. Anyway, these guys probably have one of the richest traditions of any of the fraternities. Their dads and granddads won Homecoming King a lot back in the day. Haven’t had many lately, though (but don’t tell the party committee that). Still seem to get nominated a lot on history only. Their parents and grandparents are all lawyers and doctors and stuff, though, so they basically own the party committee and the University media. They were big fans of getting the party started to begin with.
Next you’ve got Sigma Epsilon Chi. These guys have basically dominated Homecoming King in the past decade, but the guys on the east side of the frat house struggle these days. They’ve got that one guy Kentucky that throws a lot of good basketball parties. Between us, I’ve heard he buys a lot of professional dancers for his parties, but the fraternity governing body (the Non Compliance Apathy Association, FYI) seems to turn a blind eye. Bottom line, these guys are good, and we wouldn’t blame you for wanting to join, but all we can say is "Good Luck."
That brings us to Pi Alpha Chi. They’re on the other side of campus. Can’t figure out why people want to join. That fast guy that wears crazy clothes all the time is pretty cool, I guess.
Then you’ve got Alpha Chi Chi. Easily the most overrated fraternity on campus. Haven’t had a Homecoming King in years. Nobody even nominated. Perform terribly in finals. Come from nice neighborhoods, though, so they get plenty of airtime on University TV, warranted or not.
Then there’s the Big 12. That’s not even Greek. I don’t know why people want to join. I mean, sure they do okay in finals, and there always seems to be somebody that’s in the talks of being nominated for Homecoming King, but they haven’t won in a while. Throw solid basketball parties too. I guess it’s because they’re really looking to expand these days since some members got pissed off that that guy Texas basically runs the fraternity singlehandedly and left. Shut up, Louisville, you’re not going anywhere. Not for at least two more years.
So that leaves us with Beta Epsilon. We’ve lost some members in recent months, that’s true. There is absolutely no truth, however, that some members are looking to leave. Shut up, Louisville and Connecticut. Sure, we haven’t had a Homecoming King nominee in quite some time. And sure, our BCSU end of year party invitee has failed to perform the last few years, but the rest of the fraternity does well in their finals, on average. Either way, we haven’t been any worse than Alpha Chi Chi. Plus, our basketball parties are badass, and while they may not be as big, at least they’re performance based.
Now I know you’ve seen the smear campaign that University TV has run against us. They say we don’t deserve an invite any more. They say our location sucks. They say our revenues are too small and our members don’t have enough talent. Don’t buy into it. We have a lot to offer you guys, and our current charter runs through 2013, so you’ll get membership for at least the next couple years. Plus, we can totally work out a new contract with another media outlet if you guys come on board. University TV has too much power anyway. Might as well call them the Everybody Suck our Pole Network. And while we may not offer as many perks as some of the other fraternities, we can promise that you’ll have at least a few more than if you didn’t join any fraternity at all. So, there’s that.
In summation, I hope you choose to rush Beta Epsilon. Don’t worry about not being accepted, because we’re kind of desperate. But that doesn’t mean we’re not proud. Not completely, anyway. Thank you all for coming out, and enjoy our clam buffet and complementary Rosaries.